Move Forward With Curiosity, Compassion, Conversation
What do you need to address to get where you want to go? How do you dig deep, and get there with intentionality, clarity, and purpose? What conversations do you need to have in this unique and difficult time? How do you approach that conversation? Are you investigating underlying assumptions or have your assessments led to forgone conclusions?
To engage in a courageous conversation is to be upfront about what is hard to discuss and self-aware of our feelings and motivations. If you’ve read Brené Brown’s books, particularly Dare to Lead or Rising Strong , you’ll know she refers to these conversations as a rumble, “a commitment to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving…to be fearless about owning our parts…and to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.” (Lead p. 10)
The ability to do this is learned and practiced. Engaging well does not come naturally, because rarely are we taught by example. More often, we are taught what feels easier: avoidance, defense or argument. But, those options won’t move people or processes forward. If moving forward matters, and it’s time for that courageous conversation then cultivate two vital capacities you will need to engage: curiosity and compassion.
Without curiosity we would never learn to crawl, let alone walk. But as we grow we tend to abandon our innate inquisitiveness in favor of certainty. Curiosity is risky (it killed the cat, right?). As Brown writes in Rising Strong, “Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty.” (52)
But when we avoid the risk, stop ourselves from asking what we think is the '“dumb” question, or disengage from exploring the stories we are making-up all the time, we are missing an opportunity. An opportunity to get clarity on how our approach might be the biggest hurdle towards resolution and moving ahead.
Compassion, like curiosity is relational, it is is feeling with. How can we do that unless we are open to learning? Curiosity is a compassionate choice. If you are managing a team or managing a household and things are not going the way you want them to go, how else can you work towards a solution without perspective-taking?
Most of the time we operate believing we know the motivations of those around us. We forget that our internal rule book, our manifesto for living, is a memoir that no one else has read.
In February I will be facilitating and coaching a conversation and class to cultivate curiosity and compassion. We will learn practical ways to approach and prepare for conversations that move us forward. What are the questions we need to ask ourselves first? How do we share our point of view while inviting another’s response? Why is self-compassion, not an indulgence, but a vital component of moving through conflict? Together we will learn and we will practice. Taking those practices into our lives and coming back together to reflect on what it is we are discovering about ourselves.
Curiosity and compassion are intentions. Maybe intentions you want to set this year. They are mindful muscles that need to be stretched and strengthened. We need to practice ways of being if they are to take root in our bodies, minds and spirits. We need to cultivate intentions that will create space for brave and courageous conversations. In our families, relationships, workplaces. In churches, schools and town halls. This past year has certainly shown us that the reality of who “we” are is far away from who we want to be.
In all arenas of our life – home, work, family, our very own insides – there are people and processes that we want to change, move, fix or dismantle and reinvent. Future arriving points and accomplishments that we want to get to. How can we get there? Together, in relationship and in communities where we practice ways of being that move us forward.
