Embrace Your Doubts

“Don’t be such a doubting Thomas!”

That common critique is from a story heard in worship spaces and over live streams this past week. Whether or not you know it, you probably know the term, doubting Thomas.

Sounds judgy, don’t you think? Like what is really being said is: please stop asking your questions! Please ignore what your gut is telling you! Please just go along and get with the program!

Your doubt may be getting in someone’s way. Your doubt may be getting in your way. That’s ok. Taking a moment to notice and dig into our doubts gives us permission to feel. As they say in 12-step circles, feelings aren’t facts, but they are feelings. It’s when we deny, hide, numb, and ignore our feelings that problems arise.

Doubt is a hand being raised by your heart and head saying, “Hello from in here! Can we talk with you, because we have some concerns?”

Vulnerability is risk, uncertainty, and emotional exposure. So, doubt, like vulnerability, is hard to feel. But if that hard (and heart) feeling place is also the birthplace of joy, love, belonging, faith, all the good stuff, then don’t we need to pay attention to our doubts?

I am filled with doubts right now! Doubtful that people who have been enjoying the ease of worship from home will return to the effort of worship with the people. Doubtful that the way I work, parent, manage, collaborate, write, teach, preach, love, and of course, eat, is working anymore! Everything feels off these days. And, like you, I have never been here before. We are already and not yet living a developing story. How are we emerging from a pandemic most of us doubted we would ever face?

So where does that leave me? Where does that leave us who are filled with doubts, uncertainty, anxiety, or fear?

My practice these days is to hold space for doubts! I am journaling incessantly (three different notebooks throughout my house, several yellow legal pads, and I’ve subscribed to two different note-taking apps!) I don’t want to reorganize a closet, learn to bake a loaf of bread, or fashion a Negroni to deny, ignore, or numb all my doubtful feelings. Productivity-proving pandemic pastimes, for me, are getting in the way of my doubts.

I am calling on my heart. Giving myself permission to feel, write, dig in, and let my doubts become whatever they will be.

Ideas come from writing, possibilities come from posts. Doubts become prayers reminding me that with God, Love, Universe, all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well (and yes, I’m reading writings from mystics whose doubts led to revelations.)

I know, from experience, I will always have doubts. And I know that asking and following the questions, leads me deeper into a faith that trusts in a power greater than myself.

When Thomas shared his doubts with you know who (i.e. Jesus), he was not told to change who he was. He was invited, literally, to dig into what he wanted to understand. So, thank you Thomas for sharing your doubts and helping me share mine. Funny how doing what feels risky is exactly what gives me trust and hope in the possibilities of new life. Vulnerability is always funny like that!