Say This to Your Inner Critic

The next time she tells you what to do.

You know that voice. She is constant. She makes demands but not concessions. She keeps you from falling asleep and wakes you up at 3 a.m. She is the companion who wants you to believe she is your friend.

Every day, your inner critic has your inner ear. We get so used to her that we forget just how much she influences what we do, what we say, and what we think.

I bet she is talking to you right now. Judging each sentence you read and determining whether or not you keep doing so.

My inner critic makes her opinions known with every sentence I write. Maybe she sounds familiar:

“Are you kidding me? You think you’re a writer?’

“Everything you want to say has been said before.”

“Stop trying to be something you’re not. Don’t quit your day job.”

Our inner critic’s job is to bully and belittle who we are and who we want to be. I’ve spent years combatting mine and now understand she will never entirely go away. Through my work, I’ve learned too many of us let our inner critics take up too much space in our heads.

We don’t have to give our inner critic that much space. You and I can practice right-sizing that voice with just a few words, mindfully said.

My work, or day job, by the way, is I’m a priest. This means I tell people in a variety of ways and circumstances, “You are loved. Who you are matters, immensely.” I doubt all priests and pastors would describe our job in this way. I certainly didn’t when I became one over a decade ago. And that’s because my inner critic was too loud back then.

Back then, being a priest was about having all the answers. Answers that would ensure I could solve all the problems, avoid all the conflicts and heal all the hurts.

The inner critic wants us to believe we are responsible for EVERYTHING. And if we don’t get to it, can’t overcome it or fix it well, that’s why we suck at our job, or at being a person.

But, actually becoming a priest while being a person forced me to confront my inner critic. If you have a job to take care of people and you do not take care of yourself, you will implode. Or not make it. Or become a very unlikeable person (watch Evil Vicar by Mitchell and Webb for a hilarious example of this in a clergyperson). Thankfully I found therapy, supportive mentors, and Brené Brown.

Her work on shame and the power it wields in our hearts and minds to feed our inner critics connected some life-saving dots in my psyche. When all my shame-based coping mechanisms (perfectionism, people-pleasing, blaming, etc.) had stopped working.

Or, I should say, I just didn’t want to work them anymore. If I wanted to become the pastor I believed I could be, I had to listen to my inner critic instead of trying to silence her by pleasing her. I was going to have to find out where she came from and what she was so scared of. Our inner critic, like every part of who we are, needs to be seen and heard.

That’s the messy work of integrating. How we come to believe we really are loved. And that who we are matters. Immensely.

I became certified to facilitate and teach Brown’s work. There is a saying, “preachers preach what we need to hear.” Teaching and preaching about shame and vulnerability means I have to do the work, pay attention to where this stuff shows up in my life. And I have. You can’t just read a book or watch a TED Talk and get it. You have to work it. Live it. And surround yourself with support to keep at it.

So, the next time that inner voice starts judging, categorizing, insisting, critiquing, demanding, or devaluing what you want to put out into the world, give this a try,

“Hello there. Please calm down. I’ve taken note of your opinion but it’s not the only one. I hear you but you are not me. You’re just a piece, a small part. One for me to get curious about. So quiet down. I got this. Talk to you later.”

Your inner critic, my inner critic, wants us to be less than. Less bold, less courageous, less of who we are, and more of who we think other people want us to be. That’s all the inner critic cares about. What other people think. And she tricks us into believing she actually knows.

She doesn’t. Let her have her say but don’t let it be the last word. Find the tools, the people, the practices you need to support you in becoming who you want to be.