Fresh Air

“You are such a breath of fresh air!”

The first time a stranger shared this impression of my pastoral presence I did not take it as a compliment. Fresh air? Not what I was going for.

What I wanted to hear was, “You are so smart, so grounded, so deep, spiritual, holy.” Holy? No, not holy. Well, maybe. Yes. I wanted to hear that a little a sacred spark was shining through. Technically I’d been ordained to “holy orders” so having a stranger affirm they could see it would have been quite welcome.

But no one has said quite that. Instead other strangers, in other settings have repeated that fresh air phrase. And now I love it, welcome it, and feel grateful to hear that that is an impression I make. Because even though I am ordained to holy orders, I do not believe that ordination is a “one and done” holy magic trick. It is a way of being and living, an ongoing awareness of the sacred within ourselves and everyone else.

At my first clergy job, I had a recurring Saturday night dream/nightmare: I’d wake up, go look in the mirror, and staring back at me was a middle age white guy with a clerical collar and geisha makeup.

Our subconscious is so perceptive! Friendly reminder of my greatest fear - that I couldn’t do this job now or ever because not only was I not holy enough, but I wasn’t man enough either.

I was raised Roman Catholic so male priests were all I knew and anytime I asked my mom what was different about the churches all around us, her answer was straightforward, “They’ve just got it wrong.” Ergo, deep down, way deep down, me being a priest was just wrong, too.

There is a reason we say we are “called” to certain professions and vocations. We are meaning-seeking creatures who long to find “the answer” to who we are supposed to be. And some jobs loom larger than others in our collective psyche as an answer to that question. Priest is one of them.

Then, that cliched, yet complimentary remark struck a nerve because it was the opposite of what I thought a priest should be. Clergy should convey a slightly intimidating gravitas, not something fresh, but something mature and secure. A priest knew all the answers, could solve all the problems and for God’s sake, had a direct line to the Almighty! There is nothing fresh and breezy about that.

(For a genius comedic take on this concept please take a moment and watch “That Mitchell and Webb Look: Evil Vicar!")

Then, I wanted to be a concept. Now, I know that concept was a critical step of my spiritual journey. But just a step in the ongoing process to accept and be a full person – who is also a priest.

I’ve spent considerable time in sanctuaries and cemeteries, in living rooms and waiting rooms, in restaurants and monasteries, in meetings and workshops, and continue to see that becoming a fully fleshed-out human being is“the answer” many of us are seeking. Our jobs, our identities, our families and backgrounds are parts of that answer, but no one piece is the entirety of it. The work and happenstance of uncovering and discovering who we are is holy work. It is good, hard, spiritual work to becoming whole.

So, in this space, in posts, sermons and reflections I want to continue exploring, validating and wrestling with that experience of becoming. Because I have a feeling the essence of my struggles and joys, have something in common with yours.

Sharing and exploring our stories is one of the most precious gifts we can share, and we can receive. And I hope to honor that call in this sacred space. Thanks for being here.