Claim Your Arena
I recorded a video for my upcoming class the other day. In it, I made two mistakes. TWO! I saw them, and then I did something revolutionary.
I published the video anyway.
Maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal to you. But it is to me. Because making a video is an "arena." An opportunity where I want to show up, be seen, and live brave (Daring Greatly) Whenever and wherever I want to live into these ways of being, my inner critic will start her yammering.
Telling me the reasons why I am not good enough to show up. Why I need to hide parts of myself that should not be seen. Why I should play it safe instead of playing it brave.
I'll tell you about my mistakes in a minute. But first, let me say something about what arenas are and why the concept is so helpful if we want to change certain patterns of behaviors.
After Brené Brown delivered her famous TED Talk, "The Power of Vulnerability" she experienced a "vulnerability hangover." I’ve felt this and I bet you have too.
That morning after feeling of growing regret when you realize just how real you were with another person. You let yourself be seen in ways you rarely do. You were honest, maybe even awkward. And you start second-guessing who you are and what you revealed.
In her TED Talk, Brown showed up in her arena as herself, bravely shared parts of her story, and let herself be seen as a leader in her field in a whole new way.
And millions of people watched. Yikes!
As she writes in Daring Greatly, when she realized just how real she had been, coupled with reading the real and hurtful anonymous online comments, that echoed her own critical voices, she went into a shame spiral.
Read the book for the full story. Suffice to say that led her to do a Goggle deep dive that led to a quote that changed her life.
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” - Teddy Roosevelt, The Sorbonne, Paris, 1910 (emphasis mine)
Who knows what arena Roosevelt is referring to. But that's what's great about metaphor.
The arena is the place where we are scared to BE WHO WE ARE because doing so prompts our inner critics.
In the arena I take a risk, am emotionally exposed, can’t control the outcome (i.e. vulnerability).
This is scary. This is hard.
How will I be seen by others? This is what we worry about. This is what influences the stories in our head that influence our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
I have made many videos. I have stood on stages on altars, in pulpits, and in classrooms. These are some of my arenas. Some of the places where it matters a great deal to me to be authentically who I am. Where I want to be liked - oh, let's face it, I want to be LOVED. Where I want to share parts of myself. I want to let you in on something that matters to me. And I could mess it up. Or, you could just think I am a mess.
I am not going to tell you about the behaviors of my past. The ways in which I used to overcompensate, overprepare and beat myself up trying move through arenas. It is enough to say those behaviors were not sustainable. They were not authentic to who I am and who I am becoming.
So when I make a video, now, I give myself permission to be nervous. I set an intention and get clarity on what I need to convey. And then I DO IT. Without a script, because I just want to be myself. So I go into it knowing I might make a mistake.
Or two. Here they are, drum roll, please.
First, in reference to Brené Brown's best-selling books, I said, "maybe you listened to them on tape!" What?! Is it 1990? I haven't listened to a book on tape in ages. I’m such an idiot. A very OLD IDIOT! "You should really do this one over, Arianne. And you could really use more make-up." - inner critic.
Second, I shared that I care about what you will think of me, I want you to like me. I said, "but, there is nothing I can do about that." [insert buzzer sound of wrong answer here!} That is me hustling. That is me pretending I'm past caring. There is something I can do about it, and I did.
And so can you.
When going into an arena, I acknowledge my values. I name why I'm doing this and why it matters TO ME. It is not that I stop caring what you think. It's that I know I cannot control what you think. Especially of me.
So I name my arena before I step into it (i.e. intentionality). This my friends, is the work of The Daring Way. Vulnerability is a strength, it just doesn't feel like it when I am doing it. I do not know if it ever will.
But when I name my arena, get clarity on my values, I can choose behaviors that are sustainable. That are authentic to who I am and who I am becoming.
If owning your story matters. If learning from your story matters. If becoming the author of your story matters, then claim your arenas.
This is what allows me to move forward with what I do and what I offer. I am a work in progress. I can make a good enough video.
And that gives me the courage to press publish and hit send.
