Start Coaching Your Inner Critic

Don’t let your inner critic’s non-stop chatter take charge. Call on your inner coach to calm her down.

Our inner critic is just a part of being human. And those of us in helping professions (i.e. clergy, therapists, social workers, etc.) seem to have LOUD ones. Hence, our tendency to sometimes overdo the helping.

Your inner critic’s incessant directing about what you should be doing, what problem you should be solving, what person you should be reaching out to, is meant to protect you from disappointment, heartbreak and conflict. To avoid that, she keeps you as busy as a bee. Buzzing around reacting, instead of learning how to respond to people and situations as they arise, and in order of urgency and importance.

This loud and looping inner voice is not one person, although certain people in our lives (thanks mom!) tend to dominate. Your critic is a wonderfully unique creation just like you! An amalgam of societal and cultural norms (thanks gender stereotypes!), religious upbringing and institutions (thanks church!), voices from experiences in our past (thanks 6th grade music teacher who told me I could never sing!) where we felt rejected, humiliated, even ashamed.  

My inner critic is and always will be a part of me. Since there is no point denying her, I’ve learned I might as well try to show her some love (thanks therapy!). I’ve learned that self-compassion starts with self-talk. I’ve learned a thing or two about how to calm her down so I can respond to stressful situations with courage and calm.  In other words, I learned (ok, still learning) that I will never fully please my inner critic, she kinda like critiquing, so I need to call on my inner coach. 

So, if you too would like a little less “if only you had” and little more, “you go, girl!” turn on your inner coach.

Your coach is the voice you use when talking to someone you love. Your coach is the voice you reinforce when you call on the “coaches” in your life – a close friend, a therapist, maybe even an actual coach. Your coach knows what you need to take care of you: love, clarity and support. 

So when you’re critic starts ranting, give your coach something to work with. Write an SFD. The next time a remark, an eyeroll or an email sets off a rant in your head, grab some paper and write whatever it is she is yammering on about it. Write it all out, don’t stop, until she is spent. In her book “Rising Strong” Brené Brown calls these shitty first drafts. They aren’t meant to be shared; they are meant just for you. These are the reactive stories we make-up in our head all the time. And our inner critic is our nom de plume.

The story feels real, but it isn’t. Our internal reality, is, internal. Now show it to your inner coach. Let her read it and ask, what parts are you making up (i.e. I just knew she didn’t like me.)? What parts do you need to get curious about (i.e. why am I always so scared to defend myself)? What parts sound eerily familiar (i.e. once again, I’ve failed to get ‘it’ right)?

The action of writing an SFD stops the inner dialogue so we can externalize what we’re feeling. It gives us an opportunity to separate fact from fiction. It is a practice that brings perspective. It gives us an opportunity to pause, reflect and respond.

As strong as they are, feelings aren’t facts (thanks 12-step aphorisms!). Our inner coach needs the facts; to help us, just as we would help a good friend, put a kind and generous spin on the story we are telling. My inner critic will probably always be around, but there is no need for us to be besties. For that, I prefer hanging out with my coach, “You go, girl!”