Problem-Solving With People We Find Problematic
Sometimes the people we need to navigate conflicts with make us crazy.
No matter how grounded we are, or good we are at maintaining healthy boundaries and asking for what we need – our buttons still get pushed.
We’re human. But frustration won’t move us forward. So how do you problem-solve with people you’d rather not work with at all? How do you find a solution with someone you feel you have nothing in common with? How do you move towards solutions together instead of getting entrenched on opposing sides?
Try rewriting your storyline of what is happening. Instead of imagining the situation as if you are the good guy, the hero singularly responsible for solving the problem, imagine both of you are. Tell yourself a story where you partner with your partner. Who, like you, is just a person with intentions of their own. Intentions they imagine are just as good as yours. Expand beyond the one interpretation you might be fixating on.
In their book "Simple Habits for Complex Times: Powerful Practices for Leaders" Jennifer Garvey Berger and Keith Johnston encourage leaders to practice allowing other viewpoints to emerge, as we problem-solve. “The point isn’t to be the hero and solve things; the point of the leader in a complex world is to enable and unleash as many heroes and as many solutions as possible.”
Our first point of view is always our point of view. And sometimes we get stuck there. Sometimes I realize I’m stuck on the self-defeating questions, “why is this happening to me and how am I going to fix it?”
Simultaneously, it is hard to see someone who pushes our buttons as a hero! I prefer to cast people I have problems with as villains. Who, of course, are out to get me. That’s when I turn to Brené Brown and the power of vulnerability. If my buttons are being pushed, there is a reason why and it has to do with me. They are my internal buttons after all. And those buttons (let’s face it they are feelings) are narrating my storyline.
So, instead of assuming the person who is making you crazy, actually is, assume they are just like you. They want to be the hero in this story too. As Brown says in all her books, get curious and dig deep! What is making you crazy? Identify and name the feeling(s) underneath the anger and frustration.
Ugh, I know – so much “adulting!” But we adults know that is how we move people and processes forward. So may I suggest a practical and tactical approach gleaned from the authors above to prepare for that meeting or conversation when you need to find a way forward with someone you’d rather leave behind.
First, settle down before you settle in to do this work. Reflecting on a situation cannot be done on the heels of an intense disagreement or while multitasking. Make time and space within you and around you, then, answer these questions:
Knowing I have the best intentions towards this situation, how do I see the problem and what outcome(s) do I want?
Trusting they have the best intentions towards this situation, how might they be viewing the problem, and what outcome(s) could they want?
What scares me about this situation?
What about this person drives me crazy?
When we externalize the story playing in our head and concretize some scenarios on paper we give ourselves info, tools, and possibilities. First, we separate feelings from facts. What we actually know, from what we think, or assume, or have surmised. For Brown, this is how we separate facts from our confabulations and conspiracies. What Berger and Johnston would term our assessments and assumptions.
As a Daring Way™ facilitator of Brown’s work, those last two questions are the heart and soul of this exercise. Because vulnerability is key. That is how I name what is getting in the way, how both of us can be heroes, and how I can be the author of my story.
If this conflict has me scared about being blamed, probably means the other person is scared too. If I’m worried something new might fail, probably means the other person is worried too. If I can recognize I’m terrified by what I think other people will think of me, you guessed it – probably means the other person has that fear too.
And, guess what? I will probably discover that what drives me crazy in the other person hits close to home. We have buttons for a reason, born of past experiences and prior relationships. Chances are the qualities that drive us nuts are as close as our own shadow, qualities we don’t want others to see in us.
If I can be real, honest, and self-aware about what scares me – I will expand my understanding of an issue. If I can give myself permission to name and feel those anxieties, I can get to the work of separating fact from fiction. I can disentangle my heart and mind from the emotional (and sometimes physical) knots conflicts bring, and begin to see obstacles objectively and create a process to partner.
Only then can I see multiple perspectives, solutions and be the leader and partner I want to be. To move forward with good intentions, bringing collaboration and clarity, and quite possibly a win-win outcome. That is what separates healthy and self-differentiated relationships and systems from the crazy-making ones.