So here it comes my friend. The first of the trifecta of holidays when most of us will be hosting or heading towards getting together with family and friends. Honestly, the last time I was really excited about Thanksgiving was when I was a kid. When the day meant playing with my cousins, sitting at the kids’ table and eating as much stuffing and dessert as I wanted. Carbohydrates be damned!

As an adult, I find the holidays come with a plateful of preparations and expectations smothered in a gravy of “shoulds.” Thanksgiving gatherings upend regular routines and brings some anxiety. For those of us who want to practice wholehearted living, who want to live our way into new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving here are five practices I’ve learned that I hope support yours:

1. Repeat this mantra: “Everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have.” Brené Brown writes about this in Rising Strong. It’s the key to cultivating a generous attitude and setting your boundaries. It may also be familiar to you through the adage, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Is it true? It doesn’t matter. It’s a mindset. An attitude of generosity that encourages us to be accountable for our response, instead of putting the responsibility on others to meet our expectations.

2. Practice being an observer. Better yet, think of yourself as a movie director, that’s what I do. This helps me stand outside the drama instead of getting involved. I can just watch it, I don’t have to respond. I can say “Cut!” to myself and walk away. When it comes to our family of origin the roles, the script, the conflict and resolutions are all too familiar. So instead of getting caught up in it, watch and get curious. That helps you let go of judgement and you might be surprised what you learn.  

3. Take a few minutes by yourself before the gathering to write out (yes, write out on a piece of paper) the answers to three questions: a) what anxieties do I have, b) what would a successful experience look like, 3) what boundaries (i.e. what’s ok, and what’s not ok) will I adhere to today? This brings clarity and helps us ask for what we need. Back when I sat at the kids’ table, asking for what I needed was easy. Adults, have a harder time with this. All those “shoulds” get in our way. Get clear on what you need to make your day a success.

4. Plan an escape route. What? That sounds extreme. It isn’t. Sometimes we need to get some fresh air and take a break. This can be complicated if we’ve traveled from home to be with family. But, thanks to rental cars, taxis and Uber, it is doable. For me that has meant everything from getting myself to an Alanon meeting, to taking a walk, to meeting up with a friend. Clearly, this is a shared reality because SNL made a commercial for it! Give yourself permission to leave if that’s it takes to live into #1 or #3. Which leads to…

5. Give yourself permission, my friend, to do what you need to do. Write out a few permission slips before you go. Permission to take a break, permission to not get baited into an argument, permission to leave early and not help with clean up, permission to help with clean up and stay late, permission to call to a friend. I don’t know what you need, but you do! Getting clear on what you need is a practice of self-compassion and self-care, and taking care of yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give everyone else.

Gratitude, supposedly, is at the heart of this holiday. I hope these practices support you in the life-giving work of loving who you are and who you are becoming, with gratitude for the effort you put into it. I am certainly grateful for the work of practicing wholehearted living with you!