My first clergy job was an arranged marriage. Well, not exactly but kind of.  

I was sponsored for the priesthood through a church on the upper east side of New York. The rector had enjoyed a long, productive tenure which included many assistant priests.  One of them, Jonah, went on to become rector of a thriving congregation in downtown Durham, NC. 

When I was graduating seminary, I sought a job as an assistant. The problem was, and is, those are hard to come by. Churches are small and getting smaller. The trend of shrinking budgets and staff mirrors the trend of shrinking congregations. Many graduate, get ordained and go straight to being the priest in charge. 

Despite my natural proclivity to take charge, I did not want to be the boss right out of the gate. I wanted the buck to stop with someone else so I could learn the ropes in my brand-new career.

So over breakfast with the former rector of my church (he had retired while I was in seminary) I told him what I was looking for. He replied, “Arianne, you need to go to Durham and work with Jonah.  Jonah needs someone like you, and you need someone like Jonah. This is a Holy Spirit moment coupled with providential matchmaking. Trust me, this will be great for you both. Even better, it will be great for the church.”

That rector had been spot-on! Working with Jonah was exactly the mentoring I needed to start off on the right foot.

My ego took some time to adjust. I was older than Jonah and had worked in the corporate world for some time. It wasn’t hard for me to see what Jonah could learn from me. But it took me awhile to accept that I had a lot to learn from him.  Jonah treated me like a colleague from day one. And when I screwed up, he didn’t play a blame-shame game. We worked through it, and on it, together.

So, here are three insights from one of my favorite bosses and mentors, for anyone who connects their work with their purpose. I’m grateful to use them and share his wisdom with you:

Who asked you to do this? Almost daily, I’d burst into Jonah’s office exclaiming, “You know what we need to do? We need to do x, y, z!” He’d look at me and say, “Who says, you or a parishioner?” And nine times out of ten it was me. It was my inner critic telling me if I just did “this” then I’d be more successful, pastoral, priestly in doing my job. Then I could point to “this” and show how innovative I was.

Asking this question helps us understand our “why.” Which as Simon Sinek elucidates, is the most important question for any endeavor. Was I adding work to my plate in response to deep listening, or in reaction to criticism?

Was it for the common good or was it for my resume? There isn’t anything wrong with building up your skill sets or having an idea and running with it. But get clear on your ‘why’ first. Moving ahead with everything will get you quickly to stress and burnout. We can overdo the “doing” part of our jobs, we are called to “be” – to be present, to listen, to reflect, to discern. That is counter-cultural, harder to do, but actually sustainable.

When I wasn’t bursting into Jonah’s office with my next great solution, I’d wander in, take a seat and start complaining about some aspect of my work. He’d be supportive and listen but eventually he’d say, “Yes Arianne, and that’s why you get a paycheck.” This is true! Yes, it’s a calling, and it’s a job. Look, if you are overworked and overstressed most of the time, it’s time to stop (get a therapist, coach, etc.) and look objectively at the circumstances. I say this with love my friends. We have a job. We get paid.

“That’s why you get a paycheck!”  This is a pearl, a nugget, or in that immortal episode of Seinfeld, “It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!”

Most of us clergy are idealists, we’re altruistic. We aren’t in this for the money, but for the good of others. And there is plenty for us do-gooders to get frustrated about. There are never enough people in the pews, enough volunteers, enough time to see everyone, enough time to write our sermons, enough of us to go around. If only more people appreciated how much we care, if only sports didn’t happen on Sunday mornings, if only everyone pledged, if only we had some endowment, if only, again, there were more people in the pews!

The thing is, no one loves all aspects of their work all the time – no matter what profession they are in. All professions have their challenges. Which is why professionals are paid.

And finally, my favorite: “Arianne, it’s just church.” Which he reminded me on my very first day, as I sat in his office on the verge of tears. The new calling and career felt overwhelming. Who was I to think I could be a priest?

Yes, we are present for life and death moments, and that matters. It matters a tremendous amount to be a witness and help people make sense of things that don’t. It matters to launch initiatives that seek to make God’s dream a reality. It matters that with joy, courage and humility we try and connect our story to the good news of forgiveness, belovedness and God with us.

And at the same time, it’s just church. It’s a place for people to come together, read and share stories, have a meal, invite a stranger, say a prayer, sing a song. We make mistakes, we have successes and eventually we go on our way.  We try to do the best we can with the tools we have.

And tomorrow we get to try again.

So, there you go. Jonah’s wisdom: question and reflect on your motivations for the work; remember we get paid for what we do, which is why it’s work; and don’t take yourself or your job too seriously, all the time. Take it easy, have self-compassion. Give work a healthy priority, but not top priority all the time.

The Rev. M. Jonah Kendall can still be found at St. Philip’s Episcopal Church in Durham, NC, a thriving congregation that has formed many a good priest!